This is my first reflection on obsession, shaped by personal experience and observation.
Obsession is usually unhealthy. It is not love for something, but fear of who you would be without it. Obsession is not an unhealthy version of love. The two are different. They can exist independently, and they can also exist at the same time.
Love does not seek total availability, but it does require genuine care and meaningful connection. Obsession within a relationship, even where real love is present, seeks total availability, constant connection, and continual reaffirmation.
Obsession can drive excellence, but it can also create a sense of emptiness when your skill does not meet your own expectations, and even despair when you become aware of how far behind others you may be.
As a child, I was obsessed with soccer. I could play from morning until night with little need for rest. That obsession likely existed because I was good at it. When my skill level matched or exceeded those I played with or against, my desire to play was relentless. When it did not, the obsession faded.
A general obsession with improvement can make you better at something you were naturally good at, or even something you were only average at to begin with. At the same time, people can become obsessed with what they already excel at because it becomes something to hold onto, especially when other parts of their identity feel unstable or uncertain.
Some other cases are harder to explain. Consider boxers with disastrously poor win-to-loss records who continue to take fight after fight, such as Eric Crumble. In many of these cases, the issue is not perseverance but unhealthy obsession. Regardless of whether boxing is their primary source of income, they cannot let go. At some point, the question becomes unavoidable: why would someone willingly step into the ring to be knocked out 31 times in 31 fights?
Do you miss someone as soon as they leave even though you know you would see them again shortly? That is likely obsession, not love. Nevertheless, obsession and love can coexist. Obsession builds a dependency around the person you obsessed. Some people are obsessed before they fall in love with someone, while others fall in love before they obsessed. Love at first sight? More so obsession at first sight. Do you wake up thinking about someone most days? You may love them, but that behavior is likely obsession.
Look for behaviors that may be disguised as love as it could be obsession–they are often things that place the person you are obsessing over as the sun your world revolves around.
Obsessions are not uncommon. One factor that often allows obsession to disguise itself as love is access to the person being obsessed over. Consider celebrity crushes. People may obsess over someone they have never met, but because there is no real access to that person, the obsession is rarely mistaken for love.
Obsessing over someone you think you do love can misguide your thoughts and actions. You worry over everything, live off every detail from them, including things that you negatively interpret as evidence of their lack of interest, love, or same level of care that you may have for them. Your obsession clouds your love.
People who feel that they do not fit into their world are often more likely to become obsessed with the few individuals they feel deeply connected to, especially in environments they experience as difficult or isolating. Connection is commonly associated with love, but it can also provide the conditions in which obsession takes root. I am not entirely certain whether dependency results from obsession or whether obsession itself is a form of dependency. What is clear is that the two frequently coexist when the person who obsesses remains in close contact with the person being obsessed over. This contact does not have to be physical. It can exist entirely within digital spaces, such as social media. The Barbz, Nicki Minaj’s fan base, are a clear example. Their devotion to her often crosses into obsession, and that loyalty has played a major role in her long-term success. I am adding Yeat fans here too. Sorry lol.
Dangerous obsession? I am not a psychologist, nor a medical or behavioral specialist, but it seems clear that many people who resort to physical harm against a partner after being left were driven by obsession rather than love. These acts are not examples of love gone wrong. They are the result of obsession detaching from reality when the person it clings to is no longer available. Thankfully, most people who struggle with obsession do not reach such extreme or violent outcomes.
Some individuals want those around them, including romantic partners, to be obsessed with them. This desire is dangerous and unhealthy for everyone involved. When you buy into someone else’s need for obsession, you begin to drain yourself trying to meet their constant demands for attention and reassurance. Over time, this can turn into resentment or even hatred. This does not mean withholding love. Love should still be shown. Obsessive behavior, however, must be clearly rejected.
Are you being obsessed over? To gauge whether a potential partner has a high likelihood of becoming obsessed with you, ask yourself a few simple questions. What are their interests? Do they actively engage in things outside of the time they spend with you, or do they seem stuck in a lull, waiting for your availability to give them direction or purpose?
How do you deal with people you love who you have identified as being obsessed with you? Frankly, I do not have fully formed guidelines for navigating that situation. What I do believe, however, is that if you can avoid it, you should not fall in love with someone who is obsessed with you, even if they seem like a good match, are a good person, and share a genuine connection with you.
If a relationship is to continue, the obsession needs to be addressed first, assuming both parties are willing to do that work. Some individuals can recognize and peacefully work through their obsessive tendencies once they are made aware of them. Others are not, and in those cases, the situation can become unsafe. For now, prevention is the best approach.
Obsession in a situation where true love does exist can lead to or manifest as emotional dependency. If you love someone you are obsessed with, you may run to them with everything (because your world revolves around them) and if they fail to hold your hand, or do not meet your emotive levels, you can interpret that as lack of love or interest. Now, be very careful here as the lines can be blurry; if you cannot go to someone you think loves you and their response shows no real care or counsel, then they probably do not love you.
Some people can become obsessed with love itself. I know an individual who genuinely loved someone, but the intensity of that feeling was too much for them. It was a feeling they did not know they were capable of experiencing, especially in a romantic way. Because of this, they tried to hold onto it, shape it, and understand it through constant thought. Alongside that love was a great deal of fear. Fear of losing the feeling. Fear of losing the person. Fear that something so meaningful might disappear as suddenly as it arrived. In that fear, love began to mix with obsession. It became unclear whether the obsession was directed at the person, the feeling of being in love, or the version of themselves that existed only in that relationship. The love was real. The obsession did not replace it, but it grew alongside it, fueled by uncertainty and the desire to preserve something that felt rare and irreplaceable.
How do you respond when you realize you have been obsessing? Again, I am not a cognitive or behavioral expert, so I cannot fully explain it. Based on my personal experience, some people seem almost innately able to work on their obsession once they recognize it.
I know someone who leaned into obsession during a time of fear. When the person they were obsessing over profoundly rejected them and became completely unavailable, something unexpected happened. Instead of breaking them, the rejection forced them inward. In that moment, they found an emotional and mental strength that made them feel better almost immediately.
Obsession can be challenged by changing your mindset and taking practical steps that reinforce a simple truth: the person or thing you are obsessing over is not the center of your world. You are. Create your own world. Try new activities. Meet new people. Be brave. Do whatever respects everyone’s space but makes you feel great. Search for it.
Ryan Leak said, “You never want to let good things become ultimate things.” Stop obsessing.
